Dear Holly Jean,
I am an easy going friend, and I get along well with people. However, somehow, whenever I am in a relationship I turn out to be a crazy and controlling girlfriend. I always feel jealous and it actually gets worse as the relationship progresses. The more serious I get about someone, the more jealous I become.
Recently, my boyfriend got free tickets for the F1 Night Race. All his colleagues were going as it is an office event. There are several pretty girls who work with him and I didn't like the idea of him partying with them after the race so I threw a tantrum until he agreed to come home straight after the race instead of going for any party. However, he still came home late! He said it was difficult to get out of the place. I want to believe him but I have a gut feeling he is lying.
I know it is unhealthy, but I cannot seem to change. Is it just normal or do I have a problem?
Dear Capital J,
To me, jealousy is a disease. It makes you feel so awful inside, it affects people around you and it makes you very unattractive.
Jealousy is one of the worst afflictions you could infect your relationship with. Yet, nature has a strange way of making love ironic... the more you love a man, then the more afraid you are of losing him? Our jealousy and our possessiveness is a side effect of our desire not to lose something that is very special to us. If we didn't love him, we wouldn't be bothered to be jealous at all!
Yes, there are times when a woman's intuition is the very thing that weeds out a cheating partner. However, being suspicious, untrusting and questioning your partner about his whereabouts all the time will lead to unnecessary fights and can 'terrorise' an innocent partner. If your partner hasn't done anything wrong, then give him your trust. You don't want a man who has to live in fear of causing you to be upset and erupting all the time.
How can you deal with jealousy?
- Know that your Jealousy will not save you from getting hurt. If you distrust your man, if you question his every move and if you spy on him, none of that has any positive effect on his behavior and faithfulness. If a man wants to cheat, he will find a way to cheat, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. The only thing that acting like a psycho witch of a girlfriend will get you is .... erm... high blood pressure and wrinkles.
- Stop assuming the worst about him. Stop wondering where he is and what he is doing at any given moment!
- Believe in your man and his faithfulness to you, unless you have real reasons to believe otherwise.
- Your jealous behaviour (and the fights and upsets that come along with it) will put pressure on your man– something that no one enjoys and tolerates for very long... no matter how much he loves you.
- Work on your career and your other goals. Not only will this take your mind off obsessing over your man, it will keep you in a much happier emotional state.
- When you have jealousy under control and are in a happier emotional state, you will be able to exhibit some of the most attractive qualities and your confidence in yourself. This will keep your man attracted to you.
- Make sure you do your part by being the best partner you can be. That means being truthful, communicating, and sticking to your words. For instance, if you say you will call, then call. If you show that you an be trusted, then your partner will also make the effort to show that he can be trusted too.
Don't sabotage your relationships with jealousy. Whether you are dating someone or are married, whether you have been together for one month or thirty years, it’s possible that your relationship will end at any time for a hundred possible reasons. I do not want to sound so negative, but I do want you to be aware of the reality of all relationships. Jealousy certainly won’t help it last longer. So stop being afraid to lose your partner, make the most out of the relationship you have right now.
Want to know what men really think about jealous girlfriends? Here is my friend Jason who has kindly agreed to share his opinion.
Hi Capital J,
I find the jealous types annoying so I personally would never date you.
In my group of guys, one of my friends has a very jealous girlfriend and we all pity him. He cannot even hang out with us without getting in trouble with her. He is afraid of his own girlfriend.
When he is out with us, she will call every 30 minutes just to say something stupid like ,"I love you". Of course we all know that it's just her excuse to check up on him.All guys know that, so you don't have to pretend that you're calling for some other reason.
When men see other men suffer like that, we will encourage him to dump the girl. We often tease this guy very badly, saying he has no balls and he is henpecked. We will even purposely make him stay out later with us, just so we can piss off his girlfriend even more. We don't see why he should bow down and give in to her demands.She does not own him, just as you do not own your boyfriend.
We all hope that one day he will realise that his life doesn't have to be this stressful and he will leave her.
My advice for you is to relax a bit.... if you carry on like this, you will lose him eventually. And every other guy in the future as well.